Dear Mr. Bezos,
This afternoon I received the 2020 Amazon Holiday Wish Book. I noticed it was addressed to “Current Resident,” which I don’t feel accurately reflects the close and personal relationship I’ve developed with your company this year. I’m sure this was just an oversight. Would you kindly speak to someone in your office to correct this issue?
Upon further inspection, I noticed some of the item descriptions were inaccurate or incomplete. But my mother always taught me to sandwich criticism between compliments, kind of like sneaking liverwurst inside a brioche bun.
So, let me first applaud the name change of the catalog to Joy Delivered. The title of last year’s catalog, Play Together, would have been wholly inappropriate this year unless it had been amended to Playing Together While Staying Six Feet Apart, Wearing Masks, and Carrying Hand Sanitizer. That title would have been too long. Given the pandemic, reminding everyone to stay home — except for your employees, naturally — was a wise choice.
I strongly advocate for truth in advertising, Mr. Bezos, so I am submitting the following proposed improvements to Amazon’s Holiday Wish Book for your consideration.
Playskool Smartsense Gloworm, page 7. “Glows and plays soothing music.” Oh, honey, we all need a Gloworm this year. (Note: Amazon might consider offering a complimentary Gloworm with each order made during December.)
Star Wars Chewbacca Electronic Mask, page 29. The world needs more Candace Payne vibes right now. Make grocery shopping safer and more fun for all of us by wearing one of these over your face mask.
Frog and Toad Are Friends, 50th Anniversary Commemorative Edition, page 69. We all deserve nice things, including gay amphibians.
Playmobil Scooby-Doo! Mystery Machine + accessory packages, page 54. Kids, even if you don’t want this, put it on your list anyway so the grown-ups in your life can play with it too. Wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if we all got our collective Mystery Machines together to unmask Trump only to find out it was actually Rudy Guiliani all along? I mean, when’s the last time you saw them in the same place together? Just saying.
Little Live Pets Gotta Go Flamingo, page 10. “Put the ‘go’ in flamingo.” This will look excellent in your yard next to the other lawn flamingos and would be a dramatic improvement over your election sign collection.
Thames & Kosmos Mega Cyborg Hand, page 23. Has Amazon learned nothing from this year? Clearly, it has not. REMOVE THIS FROM THE CATALOG
Little Tikes Cape Cottage, page 73. Kids need their own space. Outside. As far from the house as possible. This cottage can double as a one-room schoolhouse. Insulation and internet connectivity sold separately.
Little Tikes First Washer-Dryer, page 72. Give a kid clean clothes and they’re dressed for the day. Teach a kid how to do laundry and they’re dressed for a lifetime. This is the gift that keeps on giving — now mom has more free time to make TikTok videos.
Canon EOS M200 Content Creator Kit, page 82. It’s never too early to start a side hustle — just ask Ryan, who at nine years old now has a net worth of $120 million, earned by opening toys and playing with them. Real jobs are for suckers — snag those influencer bucks while you can. Secret note to parents (kids stop reading): an investment in this now is an investment in your retirement. Don’t miss this opportunity to live large on your child’s labor. Make them earn their keep like they used to back in the good old days.
Amazon Exclusive Batteries, page 89. Even though Amazon Exclusive products have been known to explode and/or start housefires, these are safe. We promise. Make sure your insurance is up to date before purchase.
Hover-1 Titan Electric Hoverboard Scooter, page 76. No, we don’t have time to go to the emergency room. Even if we did, we’re not going to the emergency room because of Covid. Buy this now and stash it away for after the pandemic.
KidKraft Amazon Alexa Enabled 2-in-1 Kitchen & Market, Page 12. This message is just for the children. Parents, stop reading here. Ok kids, we see your parents have so far refused to assimilate Alexa and/or other smart devices into their homes. Don’t tell them I’m here, it’s our secret. If you’re running low on juice boxes or fruit pouches, just say the magic words: “Alexa, buy me snacks.” Remember, Daddy Bezos always has your back.
Melissa & Doug Get Well Doctor’s Kit Playset, page 67. Many people in the United States struggle with healthcare costs and the Affordable Care Act is under attack. This collection of medical equipment should be on everyone’s wish list. Not eligible for reimbursement through Health Savings Accounts at this time.
HyperX Could II Gaming Headset, page 80. Nobody wants to hear Fortnite-playing six-year-olds yelling “fuck you ya stupidhead butt turkey shit turd jackwad piece of garbage no I wasn’t just cursing mom geeez I just said ‘stupidhead turkey turd’ no don’t take the Xbox controller away what are you doing….?!?!?” We know it wasn’t your precious child yelling those things. No worries.
Nerf Guns, pages 78–79. Right-wing militias are actively recruiting, start your training now.
I’d also like to suggest a modification to the recipe for “Warm Up! — a hot cocoa mix for grown-ups to fix,” included on the back of the tear-out wish list. I note the absence of Bailey’s, Kahlua, or peppermint schnapps on the ingredient list. I’m not sure this recipe is meant for grown-ups. Please either a) revise to indicate this is a recipe for children or b) add alcoholic beverages to the ingredient list.
I quite enjoyed the stickers and activities scattered throughout the book. I’m especially looking forward to building an Alpine Lodge with all of the Amazon boxes I’ll be receiving. At the rate our atmosphere is warming, I intend to enjoy the cooler weather as much as I can, and given the looming mass eviction crisis — what better place to do that than in my very own Hooverville? Or should I call it a Trumperville?
At any rate, I’m sure Amazon is doing everything in its power to reduce its share of the one billion trees destroyed each year to make shipping boxes.
Thank you for your time and consideration, Mr. Bezos. I’m sure you can appreciate the spirit in which these changes were suggested. I know you, too, feel strongly about integrity and transparency in all your business dealings.
After you have completed the above revisions, please address my new Amazon holiday catalog to “Ms. Jennifer Russell, Mr. Bezos’ Favorite Amazon Customer.” I’ve provided the editorial services rendered above gratis. That said, I wouldn’t say no to a gift card in an amount sufficient to pay for the 600+ items currently in my Amazon shopping cart.
Happy holidays and stay safe!
Your best customer, Jennifer